Sunday, December 30, 2007

Trudging the Road

Your heart is hard as stone or mahogany. That is why I am in such exquisite agony. --Tom Lehrer

I sit at home, lost in a maze of conflicting thoughts. I watched so much of my world open up, so much of my dreams come forth brimming with outrageous levels of possibility. Here I am, days into my third week since my girlfriend of four years told me to leave her life. Fun in four years, and four trips across the globe filled my mind with dreams. I had so many thoughts trap my brain, left it reeling on the day I was told, “Keith, I think our relationship has run its course.”

I never thought such a thing could have happened so quickly, and with so little explanation, and yet I know in my heart that a woman I planned on spending my life had held several cards back. Now, almost vengeful, she had closed a door on me, called me terrible things, and refused any further communications from me.

What has been the result is beyond my greatest imagination. I am working harder and waking earlier than ever. Instead of stewing in sardonic reflection, I am facing each day hopeful, and full of life. Altogether, I am rising up, a little excited about all the promises I made to her, I can now make to myself. I am already making more money at a time when my employer has cut back my hours. I am spending more time in activities of learning, and promoting personal development than ever before.

I am now welcoming changes which will bring me great economic gains in the coming two years than I made in the past ten years. Life is blossoming for me now, and I understand the response I received when I told my coworker that “she” dumped me. He looked at me, and a smile broke out on his face as he exploded, “Alright man! Now you are free!”

What are the implications of this freedom?

I get to see the world with a new set of eyes. I see how my life can grow beyond

Any plans I had made for myself in the past four years. I sit with my iPod, listening ton people interested in making positive change in the world. I type poetry, and journal pages daily. I see how much work I can get done now….. It is kind of like the constructive outgrowths of quitting smoking.

I already quit smoking, so I now have to focus on all those things that froze in the past four years. I have wanted to go to school. I have wanted to make money, and I have wanted to become a more productive member of society. God has opened the door. Now I am driven to walk on through.

Earlier, I saw how for me it starts with blood. In my diet rebuild, I have seen how much my life revolves around rebuilding my blood. My dream is building off understanding the design of my blood. Crossing paths with my favorite barista, we broke out in a caffeine enhanced discussion of blood composition. With my new changes in my life, my blood is looking different.

I know what a free radical is. I know more than I did twenty years ago when I believed a free radical was a reference to Jerry Rubin or Abby Hoffman. Understanding that we rely on oxygen to live is amazing, especially since oxygen is one of the most destructive substances on the planet.

I know the reason I take antioxidants comes from the fact that oxygen damages my body, in just the way it spoils olive oil, rusts metal, or corrupts paint. So, nnow my understanding of blood comes from knowing my recapture of life starts from knowing eating for pleasure is good in balance. Drinking coffee is good in balance. Sitting quiet is good in balance. Raising hell in loud protest is fine in balance. Loving people from afar is good in balance.

So, this day, I revisited a poem by Allen Ginsberg called “Why I Meditate.”

I am back to refind my quiet place, stay close to God, and find out in truth what He has planned for me. One man gave me his card, and called upon me to join him in his mission. He has traveled the world, sharing the good Word of Jesus Christ and crossed a parking lot this one day to share his message of hope with me.

Thank you for reading.

Note: I read a comment from one woman that she works on abdominals at least fifteen minute a day, three times a week. I guess I have a standard to meet.He

1 comment:

janujennifer said...

Very heartfelt entry. Breaking up is really a hard thing to do, I just broke up with my boyfriend and although I was the one who broke up with him, it still hurts me.

Hope you're doing fine now. Thanks for visiting my blog, and I hope you'll visit it again soon.

Take care always. Happy Weekends.

- Jenn

ps: Can we exchange links?