Friday, February 1, 2008

Dreams We Can Really Build On

No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks. –Mary Wollstonecraft

For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.
· 1 Timothy 6:10, KJV

And what will you do with the big, big, money? Have you not everything you need? If you need a motor-car, you pluck it from the trees. If you need pretty polly, you take it.
-Alex in A Clockwork Orange, screenplay by Stanley Kubrick

I am centering on a moment in time where the question of my righteousness would no longer cause me pain. How does a man sit in his own life, comfortable in his own skin, and satisfied for the life God gave him? How do I accept the hurts people cause in the pursuit of their own selfishness, and know that indeed it is time for me to pull my investments, cut my losses, and move on?

I remember in 2005, I had a conversation with a coworker, a stocker of dairy goods at Safeway supermarket, a man with over twenty years in the industry. He said to me, “Kid! What you have to understand is sometimes you have invested too much in a woman to walk away.” I now think that bad thinking, and I remember his other inspired thought, “You know what your problem is? You do not know how to manage women. You have to rotate them, and keep them fresh.” This is the thought that I remember from my days of long distance love.

Some paradigms have a cross-over utility. Some ideas pass from one world into another as an axiom with universal reach. When a dairy man works in a dairy cooler, and uses rules for stocking a dairy case with running his romance life, I know there is a problem. I watched the commercial of Carl’s Jr. that says “If it does not get all over the place, it does not belong in your face.” I think that is a marvelous slogan for hamburgers, but I would never use it as a way to pick my next date.

I now know I have to look into the world with my eyes on my truest ideals. I got lost in love, and became subject to manipulation and abuse. I do not listen to Air Supply for my romance life. I think losing oneself in love will force me to lose critical objectivity. I have already done this once. It is a losing proposition.

So, when I look at my life, I have to ask myself, do I love money. If the answer is no then I probably should steer clear of any person whose ideas about money are not in sync with mine. I believe in the development of a sane approach to future stability. I am pleased to say in the past four years, dating a money crazed woman has given me a clearer ideal of what I want for myself economically.

It is a shame I did not have more respect for who I was, and what I did. I think it amazing that I would live my life believing I was somehow lesser in God’s kingdom, because I was with a woman that insulted me, and encouraged others to do so. Shit. I know this post may seem a gratuitous purgation. You may feel like I am a bulimic love-sick animal, that I just puked all over you. I apologize for that.

She never acknowledged her behaviour of the past four years. When someone pushes you to change for your “betterment” know they will never see anything wrong in that. Never look for contrition, never look for apologies.

I already knew this. For I remember the day I was told two years ago, “Keith, I will not apologize to you. If I apologize it would just sound hollow and insincere.”

Thank you for reading.

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