Thursday, February 7, 2008
If I Meet The Buddha on the Road, I Will Kill Him
It is a late night here in Redding, California. I am in my apartment, and I am pondering the suggestion, the offer of my roommate to move into a different apartment in the downtown area where we would be able to enjoy greater access to services, and a nicer, larger apartment. I hope he decides on this soon. I accepted this living arrangement with a sense of quiet uncertainty that made me want to be ready to bolt. Now, I am more settled, and ready to sit still, making more permanent arrangements more enticing.
When I moved into Redding, I thought I was sculpting a foundation to build a life with my girlfriend, who had expressed an interest in marrying me. It is quite a shock to find myself in this town, asking myself what I want from life here, when I have finally let go of this wholly destructive relationship. When I was sick enough to invest so much into a lover that shows no love, no respect for me, I am craving an appreciation for that old affirmation: that which does not kill me makes me stronger.
In the kitchen I can hear thee water bubbling in na quiet simmer, as I have milk and cocoa heating slowly with a couple spoonfuls of lecithin added in. The lecithin is a phospholipid, and has enormous benefits in reducing cholesterol, improving neurological function, and clearer thinking. When I am thirty-seven- and excited about my new efforts in building my retirement security- I have a chance to watch the roller coaster of my mind from an almost detached standpoint. It is fun to watch the dance I engage in, the periods of inspired, proactive, optimism, followed by familiar waves of conservative, self flagellating rants. When detached from the drama, I realize I am no longer slave to the games my conscious mind plays.
I told a woman at a coffee shop nearby (Breaking New Grounds, downtown Redding) that I wanted to craft an article on causality (causation). There are a few problems I have with this concept, and if I can organize my thoughts on this, I will make out my points on this in this blog. Causality has a lot to don with my frustration with life. David Hume wrote of a constant conjunction, a twist of the mind unavoidable emotionally where as two events happen in close enough proximity that it is impossible to dissociate one event from the other. As I was told, in this vein, anything can become the cause of anything.
I am not a Buddhist, and will not expound on anything I know as slightly as this, but I can speak heartily at my distaste for the question of cause. So often in the 1990’s up t this very day, I have fielded bizarre quetions about causality.
As an epileptic, I have been asked “What causes your seizures?” I have been asked about my limp, “what caused that?” and for as far back as I cn remember, many fol wanted m to dedclare that I know, I truly know what caused my hydrocephalus. As a man who has had his skull drilled in a few times, I learned that as long as my brain produces cerebro spinal fluid, I will be dependent on the shunt that drains my skull. Knowing tha supposed cause might make for good conversation, but as of this writing, I have continued in my quest to become more honest.
I have to ask what is honest about pretending I know something about what is at first cause over something, and as such will have my sculpture done in bronze, and hope none of my followers get killed by radical iconoclasts.
I present my thoughts of radical conservativism, and sit my post on the fence with passion and conviction. I await more news to share. In the meantime, I am pleased to have this bnlog, and beautiful people that come to share with me.
Thank you for reading.