What does one do with remembrances? We have certain ideas we associate with experiences, and outside those parameters we have to play it by ear. I have learned about the concept of the sonogram dealing with ladies I knew were pregnant. They would have a special gelly placed on their belly, and that gelly would make it possible to conduct sound waves in such a way as to create on a screen a picture, a representation of the baby growing inside their womb. By directing this sound wave, moving the sonagram device over the belly, the technician can gain a multiple angle perspective on the growing fetus.
Taken to the hospital years ago, after experiencing chest pains, the same technology was used to examine my heart. They were able to see the function, the action of my heart, and show to my satisfaction that my heart was operating, unobstructed. They sent me home, satisfied there was nmothing wrong with me. (Note: they did not gives me a picture of the sonogram of my heart)
This is a discussion about the appropriate reactions to situations. I was not raised on a Hippie commune and I do not believe that whatever feels right ( or whatever feels good ) is necessarily the best guide to taking action. So, one day my roommate a few years ago hands me a black and white picture, and I asked his what it is. He told me it is a sonogram of his prostate. I smiled, handed the picture back to him, and asked him what he will name it. I am grateful I did not sit in on that session. I know where they gel up my chest to inspect my heart. I know where they gel up a woman's belly to check out her baby. I do not want to know how my roommate's sonogram was done.
Anyway, this brings me to the present day. Anniversaries, positive anniversaries are points of warm reflection, usually positive memories captured in the minds, the hearts of the parties involved. Often it is a memory of the opening of a business, or the starting of a romance;maybe it is the starting of a marriage;it is the anniversary of the day you bought your first house.
So, May 1 is an anniversary for me. Yet for me it is of a May day nine years ago. My memory is not one of a very happy day. It was a day when for me I was spiritually bankrupt, emotionally spent, and physically wore out. May 1, 1999 does not stand out for me as a very happy day.
I called my parent's house from my workplace after a night of drinking. From 11 at night, until seven in the morning, I had consumed the larger part of a 750 ml bottle of Lucky's Brand bourbon (charcoal filtered). And started smoking again.
This was a day of desolation. I called my father, who picked me up on the side of the road. He looked at me, still drunk, and I explained to him how- by seven in the morning- I was almost arrested, and already confronted by my boss, asking me how I was supposed to open up the store in two hours in the condition I was in....
My father took me home. He let me sleep, and told me that he did not feel sorry for me. It
was a day where I asked myself what I have to do to make myself better. I have friends that speak to me of pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. I know that that day my life began. I cannot detail all here I have been through to get myself balanced emotionally but I can say that through the guidance of knowing friends, I have found a way of life that is truly blessed.
So, this May 1, I reflect on that day, and I am in awe that such a day was an entire nine years ago, and at the same time, I know my life today seems worlds removed from the anger, the frustration I felt back then. It truly was a different life for me. I can live grateful today.
Thank you for reading.
My roommate and I just took a cab to downtown Redding. It is early in the morning. The cabbie found a Bud Light in the cab, asked me if I wanted it... I declined, just for today.