I began my day with a prayer. Many years ago I read that upon awakening I should think about the day ahead, that I should consider my plans for the day, and with this reflection, I should pray. The prayer is that I should ask God to free me from self-pity, dishonest, or self-seeking motives. Of all the prayers I have been offered, I think this one is so very valuable. In the eighteen years since I was given this instruction, I have only now began to say with discipline the prayer.
Perhaps that is a point on which I might gather some piece of humility. I can awake, proud, content with the righteousness of my actions, and secure in the thought I am giving back as much as I am receiving. I learn a lot about myself when I am "too busy" to say the prayer. Maybe I have a vested interest in cultivating my self-pity, dishonesty, or self-seeking motives. That vested interest comes from my own overwhelming selfishness. By asking that these traits be removed, I become willing to see the promise in living more honestly, and less self absorbed.
Ironically, I think it is my selfishness and self-pity that I have not written in my blog for around six months. I have become disappointed in the progress of my physical problems, and was not maintaining my excitement for life. Maintaining excitement can be a choice, and trying to find excuses to write seemed pointless. So, today I am writing, and I hope to continue sharing honestly about my world
When I began this blog in its current form almost wo years ago, I quoted Ken Kesey's discussion on warriors. He wrote:
" The answer is never the answer. What’s really interesting is the mystery. If you seek the mystery instead of the answer, you’ll always be seeking. I’ve never seen anybody really find the answer—they think they have, so they stop thinking. But the job is to seek mystery, evoke mystery, plant a garden in which strange plants grow and mysteries bloom. The need for mystery is greater than the need for an answer."
So, today I am still in a wheelchair. I have a person that comes and helps me with my home concerns. I have seen a picture of my spine, and saw the point where my spine is constricted, limiting the function in my hands and legs. In less than two weeks, gifted neurologists will replace a disc in my neck, in hopes of taking pressure off my nerves. What can I expect?
The doctors cannot say. They will not say. No promises have been made, and thius time becomes even more exciting. I am content not knowing. Still, the idea, the hope that some 0f my nerve function may be restored, is very exciting!
So this is where we can cultivate our mystery. Today we can open doors, and leave them open. Let us wait, and see what comes through .